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Parents need to think more long term and consider what items and experiences they give their child now will determine what they demand later. Every first-time parent makes the mistake of over buying gifts for the child’s first birthday and Christmas only to realize the child only really wants to play with the box. Embrace this simple desire. Don’t believe the lie that your child needs so much to excel. Besides in most families, the extended family will come through with gifts this first go around at least, so let them.
On the next occasion, keep the gifts to one or two. I like the idea of “something to wear, something to read, something to play.”
The gift giving area is not the only area we set ourselves up for trouble. The experiences we treat our children too can set an expectation so high it is hard to wean them back. Start your children with simple pleasures. Try going to the park, walking together as a family, visiting family, going to a zoo or other local inexpensive museums or adventures.
Having been a full-time mom for 30 years, I noticed over time how the expectations grew rapidly for life events. For instance, weddings today are so expensive that many couples say, “well we are ready to get married, but we have to wait for a few years so we can save for the wedding.” What? A few years? How about scaling back the wedding? How about cutting the guest list down? How about going back to the way many of the most successful, lengthy marriages in America did it? A simple wedding at home or in a church with simple refreshments. It seems in America there is an inverse relationship with the amount spent on a wedding compared to the length of time a marriage lasts. This is a sad statistic of affluenza. (see definition in my first post in this series)
Do you know what I decided? The reason weddings are over the top is because prom is over the top. Why is prom over the top? Because high school homecomings are over the top? Why are homecomings over the top? Because junior high dances are over the top.
I mean, seriously, after a young man has had to come up with creative ways to ask girls on a date for years, what is he going to do to be “over the top” with his marriage proposal?
When young women have been getting expensive dresses, salon treatments, and ridden to the dance in every kind of limo, party bus and carriage, what is going to be left to do to make the wedding day special? I guess this is why we now have bridesmaids trips before the wedding, which of course means the honeymoon, will have to be to a bigger and better place than the pre-wedding trips.
Why am I talking about this to moms with young children? Because WE set the expectations as parents. One of the most significant problems in marriages, which often leads to early divorce, is unmet expectations. Well, it is no wonder we have unmet expectations because we consume media which tells us everything has to be a fairy tale. Disney, Hallmark and Life Time, while entertaining, have not helped women in achieving realistic relationship goals.
Likewise, giving our children everything, and especially at a young age, sets our children up for disappointment and discontentment because their expectations are no longer realistic and cannot be sustained.
Before you give in and give your child their latest request, whether it be an experience or a physical item, ask yourself, “if I give them this at this age, what are they going to want or expect next year, or in five years?
My husband and I watched a little bit of an interview Ken Burns did about his 2009 National Parks series. The years after the series aired, the number of visitors to the national parks has seemed to increase. So we pondered why this was. Why had we not grown up going to all of the parks? Why did so many seem of our generation seem not to know about the parks? Oh, we knew about them, but I do not many remember hearing much during the 80s and 90s of friends who were going on vacation to a national park. The generation before us had visited the parks. What changed?
Just a theory on our part, but here is what seemed to change: Affluence. People began having more disposable income, air travel became more affordable for the masses, and the media told us that to be cool you traveled to theme parks, resorts, and international locations. Camping or staying in a National Park cabin was not cool. It was not for the affluent.
A second, perhaps less impactful reason we considered, was America’s realization we had serial killers and violent crime and where did they hide the bodies? In the woods, of course!
Why do I bring up going to a National Park? Well, there is something about the simplicity of nature over human-made commercial ventures. Don’t misunderstand, I am a capitalist and have a business degree, but I also believe we need to be moderate in how we live. When we take our children to a natural place, there Is much less emphasis on commercial consumption and more time for us to focus on one another and the majesty of God’s creation.
Yes, I realize our National Parks also include human-made locations like the Statue of Liberty, the Lincoln Monument, and the African Burial Ground National Monument. While these don’t emphasize creation as much, they do emphasize two things: the fantastic abilities God has given the craftsmen who designed them and the history of our nation, both good and bad. Anytime children can learn outside the classroom I believe they are far more likely to remember the lesson. (Note: the parks have grown in popularity so you may want to avoid weeks with National holidays.)
Maybe you are not overscheduled, in debt, or tired of “outdoing” the last event or trip, but if you are, try simplicity. Try staycations, homemade birthday parties, and enjoying the National Parks.
Give your toddler a box and save the limos for really big life events. You might enjoy life more, and you certainly won’t be a “bad” parent.